People can take what they want or need from the post and the comments. I really in this situation dont have anyone really to talk to about this. We are in a committed relationship with each other, and he is a really nice guy and I do love him and want him in my life but this has been the hardest relationship I have ever been in, felt like a rollercoaster ride, every day was different. There really is no way to know how he feels (or for him to know how you feel) unless you both talk about it. She had told her sister that when she took over the small mortgage and the house was hers. Widowed people meet new loves and move on decisively all the time especially when they are younger. At the end of the day, however, they have to make decisions based on whats going on in their lives and follow their best instincts. Is there a middle ground? This is his to own. Through therapy, contemplation and a few dates with a sweet, gentle and understanding man, however, she realized she needed to be more open. Ha ha. Hah! Will you please adopt us when you get married. Lay out the expectations. He told me on our third date that I scare the s*%( out of him because he can see himself marrying me and being with me forever. Your former spouse will always be part of you, but your new relationship may take a turn for the worst if you spend all of your time with your new partner talking about your sadness over the loss of your spouse. He will not retreat or play now you see/hear from me and now you dont games. Think about it as though it were a life plan or goal. My new man seemed very attentive and loving. You might find yourself accepting unfair or unfavorable circumstances in the blind pursuit of romance. There smothering like trying to breath in molasses. Cher would tell you its in his kiss, but its in his actions. Hence pics and celebrations of birthdays and shrines and whatnot. He and I have talked about it and he feels awful if he says something that hurts mebut in his hosnesty these things get said from time to time I wish I had a way to process it better or apply some logic to it that keeps the funk from occurring when it happens. Dating a widower who told her he loved her, talked about marriage, included in all aspects of his life and then did an about face. A man who loves and wants you in his life will move mountains across oceans to make sure that you stay and are happy. You have some things to think about. We really like each other what a relief and it seems LW had told the friend the place shed liked to be scattered. Closed group and there are many women there who will get exactly what you are feeling. As long as you are good with it thats what matters. he told me he loved me with in 2 months. Hes proven himself in the past but I think his wife passing is really getting the best of him. Or maybe it is time for the two of you to part as friends or not. And I dont think he is an anomaly. I think you are ready to talk about next steps and want to know if he is too. How else do we build relationships that suit us if not by communicating our needs. we only sleep together if we go away on business which is once every 3 months for 1 night, other than that we are not physical he says he can wait until his son grows up i dont want to wait if after 2 years we are no further forward then i dont want to put my life on hold i love him but find myself totally unfulfilled am i work to not want to wait? Unless you talk with him, ask whats going on and state what you want/need, what you have is unlikely to change. During our 8 months together, things will be great for a while & then go downhill because he feels hes cheating on his deceased wife. Perhaps I sought this out as a reaction b/c this is important to me. Each night at bedtime, they ask God to give them a new dad. Change is usually prompted by need and he simply seems to not feel the need. We started dating 12 months ago and initially it was extremely draining and unstable. But, whatever you decide, keep yourself forefront. You deserve better and you will find it. While I agree with you that a picture by the bed when sharing it with someone new is a red flag, there are those who have no issues with it. If you are so quick to find a replacement for your deceased spouse that you rush into a new committed partnership, you may end up in a relationship that isnt the best fit for you long-term. Very sad. . When we realised we want different things a part of me knew our time was up. I honestly believe my situation is much more complex than the average one. OH Boy i i feel like im reading what happens to mei read somewhere that if he loved her so much thats okay because now he knows how to love you he will forever love her and thats okay because he will never be able to have her againHe can love again and remember he has changed from his past life.He no longer is the person he was with her . What I cant tell is if this is the general man excuse of committal issues and I should just break all ties and run for the hills or is remaining friends, close friends the best and working through his grief and fears. Mostly, in my opinion, because the late spouses didnt belong in our relationship and were personal matters we needed to handle on our own. She passed away from cancer after a four year battle. Upto that point he was incapable of telling me if he loved me. She needs to grow a backbone and make sure this does not happen again. Thats natural but probably not helping you cope. I cant speak to what your boyfriends thoughts are on whether hed opt for his old life over the one he has with you, but I can say as a widowed person myself I wouldnt wish my present away for the past. He attempted to end it right there saying that he hopes when hes ready I will still be interested and available. i dont want to coz i might get hurt if he will not reply and i dont want to sound to him that i want him badly in my life, so if really wants me and serious with me, he will do the first move when gets backthats is my opinion.pls your advice again anncoz i guess 3 days or 4 days will be enough space for him/ us For the first couple of years I was in a sad, isolated, and withdrawn state. Her sulkiness was attributed on those occasions to getting over flu or this or that. She has worked in the social work field for 8 years and is currently a professor at Mount Vernon Nazarene University. However, I think at some point you are going to have to initiate a conversation and tell him how you feel and see if you cant come to some mutual understanding where you both feel your needs are being met. When I met this man, he told me I had a new family. ), Its kind of a friends with benefits thing. So I am going to call off for now. These things, I believe, must be done on the widowers timeline when they are ready. The way you treat me in the early days of our courtship is the treatment I will expect from you even after many years of being together. If, for instance, youve been sleeping in this room with him without voicing your concerns or you let him know that you were okay with it at some past point, you can simply say that you thought you could accommodate him but this is all new to you and it turns out, you really cant. To browse through a lifetime of memories. Granted it only happens maybe 1% of the time and the other 99% is great.that 1% is a real gut kicker. This situation actually is really messy. Dating and marrying someone who hasnt been widowed, as you and your boyfriend have, is a very different ballgame. Theres also a horrid first wife, divorced thirty years ago. after that time where he just said those few i miss her and today was the day she had burnt in an accident You cannot possibly feel love in your heart after loss. Director: Brent Shields | Stars: Keri Russell, Skeet Ulrich, Mare Winningham, Tania Gunadi Votes: 5,025 9. Its good to have someone to talk to in real time when big issues need immediate attention. So going on that guess and your recounting of the relationship so far, my inclination is to point you towards couples counseling because it sounds as though having an outside party to guide the discussions the two of you are having would be helpful. There isnt much you can do for him to help with this. Or for you to date others? You will do what you want in the end but if a friend came to you with what you have written here, what would you say to him? The group is a mix of women some give better advice than others but everyone there has been where you are. A widower is still a guy, and as you point out, a man in love is ready to move on. I can honestly say that I am very happy and grateful to have met Bob. She does not want her dads house with all its inconveniences. I had not thought of it that wayso I feel better giving this all more time. Its also my opinion that the onus on clueing the daughter into the fact that you are the present and the future is on your boyfriend. The problem is that I have made myself so available and yet he is not prepared to let any of his family know about me. Time will come when I will no longer feel the need to hold back, when I can love you without fear or restraint. So it is very possible your former boyfriend really was mourning all through his relationships and still had sincere feelings for you. Do you want this relationship to work out and are you wanting this for you. Many are content with serial monogamy to see them through the rest of their lives. Taking each day for itself and being ready to accept what may or may not come next is probably a good strategy. You simple make up your mind to move on and build a new life. You examine, learn and move forward. Well we are done now, Im moving out tomorrow BUT we are best friends and will stay in touch, thank God. I feel that little minx has set herself up in there like a pseudo version of his LW.Pulling all his strings, subconsciously. Although, I made many attempts to stay away, we somehow ended up back in each other lives. Its perfectly okay to tell him that this isnt working for you and explain your hopes, dreams, needs and wants. You hear from him once a month and generally only see him in your home. Despite our height difference I took a chance on meeting him. After his wife passed things slowly started to change. 5 or 6 times because he is so scared of an oops..or so he says..He has spoiled me, spoiled my children, felt as if this relationship was mandated by GodI mean we have never had an issueI was bothered by her pictures still up, ashes on the mantle etc..and he said he would get to it he just wasnt readySuddenly, out of the blue he called me and told me we needed to talk, he had a melt down, said he could not put her behind him as he was so focused on me, he loved me but not as much as he felt he should, and how could he because he still loves and misses her, said he worried about me, and did not know who he was anymore..whether he is Ginas husband or my future husbandI mean he had a meltdownI said are we breaking up, and his reply was yes, no, I dont know I just need time to get my head straight and i cant do that because when I am with you I cant think straight..So after 4 months of talking everyday, texting everyday, seeing each other 3-4 times a week all I have heard from him is an occasional text thanking me for my understanding, and asking for timeI asked him if he just wanted to break up and we move on, he said no, just give him time, he will not respond to my texts and Ifeel as if I was blindsidedI understood that at times he seemed distant and when I wo! I have not made an issue of it because we both will be moving to new home together and because of his children 2 young adult men and 1 young teenage daughter. You cannot imagine ever loving anyone. Nan, He was surprised I felt the same. Please dont give it any reason to break. If its not there its simply not there. It is normal to wonder about about all the things you are wondering about. Recently he started hitting on me. I know I am being unfair to the other guy because I know in my heart the widower guy and me are more compatible. Rings jewelry cards letters. All I can say is as a result our relationship received another firm layer of foundation. Things progressed rather quickly and I fell in love with him. So much angst (and time suck) could be avoided w/ a little more Q&A. Everything her sister has ever had she always wants. His is made worse than ever as it is on land that was in his family a long time. The . Hes never lived with anyone though. Most of all Im scared of what will come out of that chat. How could we be intimate in that bedroom.. OK feelings arent black and white but Posts are one offs that share and allow others to share. Dear Dorothy, Two years after being widowed suddenly at 38, I began an affair with a married man at work. I think I am being selfish but o just cant do this I want to go home to my boys. We make them. She snapped back and said that the children were from her deceased husband. I just feel odd when I am kissing him and I catch a glimpse of a photo of the two of them. I believe I will get the hang of it (expressing my inner feelings) and will be more forthcoming in doing so! 2) Its easier to accept the stereotypes and cultural expectations about grieving and widowhood than to do what is actually best for you. When she asked him what he thought about that he stridently said I made a commitment to MY daughter to let her live in MY house.. I love him and he loves me. Im not going to lie, I still have pics and cards from my kids father, pics of my ex husband. I know its frustrating to know what you want and have the other person not on board. Your best friend died. My boyfriend & I are parting as dear, dear friends. This list is for romance novels with a widow or widower as the lead character. Well, I didnt waste time either. Are you happy? You are normal. Its too bad that the late wife isnt around to tell her side of that marriage because men dont usually suddenly become cheaters. But you know him. We talk almost everyday. I later learnt that a lot of the hideous decor which graced my wids home was the product of this revolting younger spawn. People will be shocked more likely because they had no idea that they were hurting you, in my opinion. Thanks again for your great advise, i needed to hear that. A perennial flower no longer will bloom. Sorry for the last post. i feel he might compare us or replaced her with me somehow.. im going crazy In the mean time he still would talk about her alot. I cant help compare in this way and I fear for our future. People who are happy are true to themselves and dont offer up their lives as sacrifice or hostage in hopes of some distance reward. He did say when we first started dating that he was not sure if he would ever be able to really love some one as completely as his ex wife againnot because he still loved her but because he was so crushed and hurt by the divorce. The reasons behind the ending of the relationship divorce, death, break-up dont matter. . There are pictures in the house in his bedroom (not sure if i was ever to stay i would want to sleep with a picture of the wife in the room) His son loves the pity and thrives on the attention despite not remembering his mother. 6. He speaks openly about her when we have conversations(not enough to freak me out or make me feel uncomfortable) and I really appreciate that aspect because he seems to let me in easily and hes comfortable enough with me to talk about her. When he got really depressed he tended to push away from me and that was really difficult. That means go to that little minx, there is no one else who wants it. How do I tell him without hurting him? Eventually, all the nourishment and the energy received from a living love is used up leaving you with a beautiful, glorious and magnetic thing . Just be sure not to nag, get angry, cry, make demands or complain about being hurt. Sometimes they dont. Thank you for listening to me blabber these last few days. Not until he makes it clear that this is what they have to do. We have some speed bumps that pop up and I get pretty sad. My daughter just recently had a baby, so Im spending alot of time with them, keeps me from thinking too much on my own stuff. When we met he didnt have the courage to tell me the truth that she was dead, he said he was separated which would have had a huge effect if I would have know and not dated him, I didnt find out tell months later after feelings have started to grow. I also had to endure various pics of her all over his house, including a wedding picture in the bedroom. You might think that you are ready to date again, but you probably also feel guilty, as if you are disrespecting your deceased spouse by moving on too soon. I am ready for a relationship but he is not. I expect that you treat this relationship just like any other. He is just settling in for the duration, and you can wait and play back/forth games or not. He may be isolating himself from all but his kids, however, he claims to love you and not replying to texts or phone calls is simply beyond the acceptable. 25 of them married. There is no specific timeline for when you can begin dating again after being widowed, but you will need to ensure youve done the following before dating after widowhood: Remember, it is okay to love more than one person during your lifetime, and if you want to have a successful relationship after losing your spouse, you have to let go of your guilt and allow yourself to love again. I also spoke to another close friend to his wife who confirmed the above as a truth. It turned into an argument and then they came down. CONGRATS I HEAR ARE IN ORDER, Character is defined as doing the same right thing regardless of circumstance. While its normal for a widowed person to compare, comparing is a bad habit that can easily destroy a new relationship. We talk about the things we want and how we feel. Im confused..if he really want me to come over I think he should handle his daughter..I really think he dont want me to come over..but I let him come over my house anytime..his wife been dead 3 years.do we have a future Im confused.. Im a pretty firm believer in listening to peoples actions more than their words.